Random

I told myself, God and Aishu that I am going to start writing again. I guess what triggered me to want to write again is because I remembered what Wen Min said to me the other day,

 

“That is why I write them all down because I want to be able to remember them.”

 

She was talking about journaling and how she is keen on writing down things that are happening in her life and it made me wonder about how I used to write a lot too. I used to blog and writing has always been very therapeutic for me. Sometimes things can get a little too messy in my head and writing has always calmed me down. It was also my way of talking to God. I would sit down and write, Dear Jesus.

 

Then I stopped writing that much. I know why. I was going through a tough time and when I am feeling at the lowest point of my life, I often have no words to say. I think that is the worst feeling for me. When I have no words to describe the sorrow, the pain and the emptiness that I felt within me. I just couldn’t write because I found no words to write and because I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to hear myself talk about it and more importantly; I didn’t want to talk to God. It was a very tough time for me. I have gotten over it. What I carry now are battle scars and horrible memories of those dark times.

 

I have been thinking about those dark times lately. I was thinking about how I want to write them all down somewhere because I want to share it to people. I want to tell those people out there that you are not alone. I am going to write about the depression and the bullying. This time I am going to write it in a positive note and also as raw as I could. I don’t want it to be a depressing post where I write about the horrible things in my life. I want it to be, ‘Hey, she had a hard time but she made it. If she can, I can too. My sister started Form 1 this year and she is staying in a dormitory. First week itself, she got bullied and it reminded me a lot about the horrible things that happened to me when I was in secondary school. I was bullied and ostracised but I turned out okay in the end. After telling her to be strong and that I understand, I felt compelled to write my story somewhere. I am not too sure if this blog is the right place to write them down but I will. I do not know when I will finish writing about those parts of my life or when I will start but I will work on them. I want to share.

 

Anyways, this has to start somewhere and I was thinking that I should start today. I was reading Behavioural Economics today in the library. As usual, it wasn’t as productive as I wanted to be and I kept getting distracted. But what I really wanted to jot down is that, I finally found something in Economics that I like.

 

In life, I have always found it interesting to figure out why people do or act a certain way. Like how an engineer likes to see what makes a watch tick, I like to see what makes a human tick. Economics is the study of human’s decision under constraints, so I thought it would be interesting to study Economics. But stuff like econometrics has bored the heck out of me. Finally, during my third year, I have realised my liking for stuff like Game Theory, Behavioural Economics and Experimental Economics. They are not easy but I am starting to like reading about them. Compared to stuff like International Trade and Economics of Development, I am definitely much more intrigued with the modules I have chosen for this semester. So we will see how it goes. But right now, I am pretty excited about the way this is going. Finger crossed that everything will be smooth sailing from now on and I will not have much difficult time with these modules because I am having hard times with my other modules.

 

Now I think about it, this post doesn’t really make any sense and there is no point in this. Feels like I am just rambling nonsense but hey, I wanted to write something so here is something. Still better than nothing. It is going to be about 1am now mad I guess I am going to sleep now.

 

Till next time,

God bless.

June – 26

I don’t think I do well alone. Maybe that is why I am so attention seeking when I was younger. Maybe it was because I cannot stand the fact that I could be alone. Maybe it’s London and this small tiny flat I am stuck in. Maybe it is just this place particularly that makes me feel so alone. Actually, I think I am alright with being alone at times. I like quiet walks in the park alone. I like to go to the supermarket or the market alone. I like walking on peaceful street with my iPod alone. I like visiting the museum alone. I like all that and I also like to do that with someone else.

I think I am fine being alone. It’s being lonely that I cannot stand. I don’t need many friends. I am never a fan of crowds anyways. I always dodge around people and make my way swimmingly through crowds whenever I am caught in one. Being petite is an advantage in those situations. But I do like a close knitted community. I like knowing that someone whom I care about and also cares about me is constantly nearby. I like talking to people and letting them know that I am there for them. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I crave people to do the same thing for me. I just like doing so. I like talking to people and making them feel good. I like to be constantly around people with about 30 minutes break in between where I can get a breather.

I enjoy the company of people. I think I work best in public areas like canteen, library or a cafe because there are people around me. I am the kind of girl that can sit in the same room as you and not feel the need to talk to you all the time. Sometimes, I just want to enjoy your presence. So it makes me wonder why of all places, He allows me to come to London; this crazy metropolitan maze filled with lonely people that makes you feel lonelier. It makes me wonder what was I supposed to reap from here. Am I supposed to come here and discover that I hate cities? But if that’s the lesson to be learnt, isn’t 3 years of leaning a bit of a stretch?

But I guess like Mr. Tee said. Sometimes God give you a plot of land to harvest and He doesn’t tell you what He planted. He just wants you to take care of it and reap the harvest. Maybe you shouldn’t dig up those seeds just to see what He has in store for you because you might spoil the harvest that way. Maybe you just need to have a little more faith in Him. That He knows exactly what seeds you need to harvest and He has planted the right seeds for you. So I guess, London it is then. For now, at least.

I am starting my Barclays internship this coming Monday.  Now, that’s an interesting new chapter to harvest.

I am writing this on day 4 instead. Day 3 has been a long day so I haven’t had the time to write down what happened yesterday. So I guess I would combine daily blog day 3 and 4.

I am in the bus right now, heading towards Bristol. In order to kill time during the 2.5 hours bus journey, I decided to watch a heavily anticipated movie called ‘Interstellar’. I am about halfway through, at point 1 hour and 12 minutes into the movie that I decided to take a break. Get off the movie screen, look out of the bus window and type at the same time.

The thing I love most about England is the plain fields. Yards and hectares of plain green fields that look so wonderful. How do people look at all these and see the stars (Interstellar inspiration) and yet fail to acknowledge the power of a greater being. Why is it so hard to see that all these beauty, all the complicate and intricate creations and each and every one of us cannot possibly me a result of a plain coincidence. That the right amount of air, water and chemical just happened to meet each other at the exact time at the exact probability and in the exact combination, gave birth to us, gave birth to life.

Before I decided to read Economics, I wanted to study Physics. Unit 3 in Edexcel’s Physics A-Level taught me so much about the world beyond us, about the law of this earth and of whatever that is out there in the starry night. I wanted to learn more about it, understand exactly what has God implemented to be nature’s law and how they work side by side with everything else. Our existence is so tiny in comparison to the galaxy. This fact is very humbling and inspirational. It is so difficult for me to understand why a God that created all these marvellous thing would actually even care about us, let alone die on the cross for our salvation.

Do you see what I see? Do you see how small and insignificant we are compared to everything else? But yet, He love the world so much that He gave His one and only son to Earth so that we can have everlasting life.  So much grace. So much love.

I didn’t pursue Physics in the end. I wouldn’t say that it is an unfortunate thing. I didn’t pursue it because I didn’t think I have the brain capacity for it. Physics is a very difficult subject. I do not know if I can handle it.

So, I decided to do Economics. Economics; a creation of human’s brilliance and greed. The more I learn about Economics, the more I realise how self-fulfilling we are. Humans want higher wages to afford more but little do they know that higher wages translate to higher prices, leading to them ending up with the same amount of goods and services they can afford in the last period. What decide equilibrium output? Who decide that a certain level of unemployment is good? Try telling that to someone who really needs that extra job to pay for his wife’s medical bills. Economics feels like an endless loop. All we do is just maximising our wants and needs with the limited resources, again and again till the end of our lifetime.

Economics is such an objective yet subjective subject. It intrigues me on how much the government and the people can build up or destroy and economy. Economy is about the balance of everything. Reap when in the harvest season so that you can use them in the drought season. Save during the boom to use during the recession. Economists usually have their own stand on how the economy works and what they think should be done.

It wouldn’t say it is easier than Physics. It is very tough especially when it comes to building the models for analysis. And oh bloody Econometrics. I really need to work on that horrible subject. Sometimes, I wonder why God allow me to study Economics and what purpose He has for me in this field. How does one be a good Christian in Economics? How do you do business in the Christian way? It’s interesting isn’t it? I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me. It’s scary and really intimidating but hey, would there be any fun if it was otherwise?

  

So, you remember how yesterday I posted something that ended with a sentence that goes like:

P.S: Lord, I know You are listening so please do send help. 🙂

Guess, what? He did sent help. Somehow, this Singaporean friend of mine messaged me today saying that he will be in the library from 3pm onwards and will be able to help. I went to the library and after he was done with this work, he came by and showed me some steps on how to start and where to go from this point onwards. Well, he didn’t exactly showed me everything and gave me the answer to everything I need but at least he guided me for a while and gave me some pointers. Plus, if I am ever stuck again, I can always fb message him. So even though I did spent a good amount of time later on, with a blank mind again because I still have no idea how to continue, at least I started the work and I know the direction that I am going. I am going to try and search for the way to do the next step, if not, I have to fb message him again. Kinda paiseh la but hey, he did offer help!

I think it is super awesome how God works. He has His timing for everything. Even when you think He is not listening, He is there, constantly looking out after you. 

That’s him in blue!

Ashlyn:

Today I decided to blog more often because

a) I really like typing on my laptop.

b) I was inspired by http://www.storyofthislife.com/blog/ She is an amazing sister in Christ and a mother of the most adorable girl. She blogs her everyday life and try to see Jesus in everything she does.

So, that is what I have decided to do. I will blog as frequent as I can so that I can be constantly reminded of the blessings and the guidance that God has given me.

Today, I went to the library to study and boy, do I know very little. I have no idea how to do my work and that work consist of 100% weightage of that particular module. I spent so much time in the library just being confused and miserable in front of my computer because I just couldn’t understand. I didn’t even know how to start. Sometimes I wonder why did He bring me here when He knows that I know so little. Why He decides to put so much weight on me when my shoulder is this small.

But it is in the dark, when light shines the brightest. It is when we are the weakest, His presence is the strongest.

So, what will I do now? I guess, I will just keep swimming. No matter how difficult each challenge is, no matter how harsh reality is and no matter how everyday, things seems to be getting harder, I will keep on swimming. Because I know that He is in control. As long as I do my best with whatever He has given me, I will be more than fine. I’ll let Him do the rest.

So study harder and smarter it is! 

P.S: Lord, I know You are listening so please do send help. 🙂

Ashlyn:

There are days when I am a mess. When I feel nothing and everything at the same time. When my heart wrenched in pain and frustration and my brain spurs in confusion and sanity. When I find no point in even breathing yet find continue to search for a reason to go on. The time keeps ticking by. My heart keeps beating away. But my heart is frozen. At this moment, when I feel everything and nothing.

This is a deadly combination; nothing and everything. I cannot sleep yet I do not want to do anything. I feel my world rumbling away, unraveling itself into oblivion. My soul is cowering in numbness and cold. My physical body still the same. What a cruel world. What a cruel state. What a cruel moment to be stuck in.

Letter to Self

Ashlyn:

Dear Ashlyn,

You are a small town girl going into the big big world aka London. It’s uncharted water and frankly speaking, it’s a scary big bad world. You will be overwhelmed. People in the big cities are not the same as those back home. They don’t live a normal life. They basically die chasing for high intensity lifestyle. Money is important here and so is networking skills. You need to know the right people or you’ll not get anywhere.

You will be afraid. I was petrified. You wouldn’t know what to do. You’ll basically be stunned at first, trying to digest all these information about this new world. You have no idea about the common rules or etiquette here. What is considered a common sense to others will not apply to you. You grew up learning how to stay safe in a town where Indians walk around with a parang and Chinese ask for protection money but you didn’t learn how to survive in the financial world. You know nothing about the stock market or the governors. You know nothing about the politics and networking skills. You know how to hold your ground in a group of rowdy boys but not in a group of intellectual briefcase holding men.

But don’t be afraid. Take in this new world. Accept it and understand that certain part of the world seems like a universe away. Do not take too long to accept this concept. Jump right in and float right away. Yes, you do not have the advantage in this world. You know nothing about this world. But you can learn. You going to humble yourself and learn. Do not be afraid to talk to strangers. Some may be evil but you will find good ones if you try hard enough. Good ones who will guide you in this uncharted water. They cannot walk the way for you but they will help you, even a little help goes a long way.

Fear is your biggest enemy. Do not be afraid of making mistakes or embarrassing yourself. You learn best through mistakes. If good people chastise or reprimand you on your mistakes, be glad for they care and be glad for you can now change for the better. Things are not going to be the same. You will not get the same treatment as those back home. You’re in a different environment now. Stop comparing. Stop asking to have the same things as them.

Stop resisting change. Step out of your comfort zone. It’s alright. You have God with you. He doesn’t just drop you into the deep end. He walks with you. You’ll never be alone. He will grant you strength. Sometimes it may feel as if you have been in the dessert for far too long and Jesus is nowhere to be found. But take heart. He is there. He has been with you all this while but there are things that you need to learn by yourself. Sometimes you need to get hit and be pressured to be the best that He had made you to be. 

Work hard. Work your ass off. Yes, there are times when God miraculously drop certain people into your life so that you can get to places where He wants you to be but it’s not going to be like that everytime. You need to work your ass off. Period. Even God mentioned about hard work in Proverbs. Yes, it’s not easy. Yes, it’s tough. But keep trying. Eventually you will get better and eventually you’ll get through it.

Stop waiting for opportunities to come to you. Seek them. Sought them out. Internships, first class and graduate jobs wouldn’t fly by and drop themselves onto your lap. You’re suppose to seek them out. Do not be afraid to talk to strangers. Yes, your introvert self is petrified at the thought of embarrassing yourself at strangers. That is not an legit excuse. Go and talk to people. Make friends. Make new connections. NETWORK. But do not make friends for the sake of connections. Be a genuine friend to them and they will be a genuine friend to you too.

Read. Read all the articles in financial times and the newspaper. I know you space off when you read articles. But keep reading anyways. Make sure you take time and read economics and world articles, not 9gag of buzzfeed. Facebook is cool but it won’t get you anywhere. Learn more about the adult world so that there are less chances of you looking like a dumbass kid in public.

Above all else though, remember God. Give praise to Him for everything; be it good or bad. He has the perfect reasons for every circumstances. This season will pass and you will reap your harvest. But before that, seize this opportunity to plant seeds before this season pass. He put you there for a reason. Use it wisely. He doesn’t hate you. He loves you and He has great plans for you. But for you to be someone great at the end of the day, you need to learn. You need to be humble. You need to be wise. You need to work hard. Remember this and change or you drown in this world.

Sincerely, 

Your current self.

Candy Shop – Dance Cover

Ashlyn:

David and Goliath

Today, I’m gonna talk about David and Goliath. It is a simple story; the shepherd who defeated the giant. But the impact it has on the situation I am in right now is tremendous.

I’m applying for Barclay’s spring week. It’s a one week program that happens during spring *obviously* and you get to shadow workers in investment banking and gain practical insight. With spring week in you CV, you have a higher change to land a second year internship that takes place for 10 weeks during the summer of your second year. With an internship under your belt, it is easier to land a graduate job in that same corporate after graduation.

Landing a job in this foreign country is important to be. Heck, landing any job is important to me. My parents work so hard for me to be able to be here and the least I can do is contribute my part and give my brothers and sister the chance to be here too.

Barclay’s spring week program has a lot of levels. I have passed the online application, competency test and the phone interview. My last hurdle is the Assessment Centre. It is hard for me to be optimistic about the assessment centre as half of me really want to trust in my God who would provide through this spring week program but half of me is telling me that God will might not be through this. I’m torn apart and it made me pessimistic about nailing this interview. 

I’ve never passes any interviews in my life. I have not passed my JPA interview or the scholarships interview I took after A-Levels. Heck, I even fail Yayasan Khazanah’s online competency test. Being able to attend the Assessment Centre is a huge thing for me and I thank God everyday for this opportunity. 

The thing about David is that no one told him what he was meant to be before that. He knew that Samuel anointed him but he didn’t know that he was supposed to be a King back then. All he knew was that he worshiped a powerful God. There was a war between the Israelites and the Philistines. The Philistines has a giant on their side. He was over nine feet tall *heck, he’ll make a great NBA player*, wore a bronze helmet and his bronze coat of mail that weighed 125 pounds. He also wore bronze left armour and carried a bronze javelin on his shoulder. The shaft of his spear was tipped with an iron spearhead that weighed 15 pounds and he even have armor bearer who walked ahead of him with a shield. Basically, he is the game ‘God’ that you need to defeat at the last level of your game. 

Everyone was scared of him and no one dared to fight him. But then David was sent to Saul’s camp one day and he heard Goliath’s usual taunt to the army of Israel. After hearing about Goliath, he told the Kind that he was going to fight him. It was ridiculous obviously. David was young boy with no military combat skills. I bet he is super awesome at shepherding but military skills? I don’t think so. 

But he persisted. He motioned about how he has been taking care of his father’s sheep and goats, protecting them from lions and bears. The same God who rescued him from the lion and the bear will recue him from the Philistine. He was so darn confident.

Saul tried to help, he really did. Saul gave Davis his own armour. Pretty badass armour since it belongs to the King. David put it on but he took if off again. He just wasn’t used to them. Instead he armed himself with only his shepherd’s staff and sling. He went up to Goliath who was obviously smirking at him. But hear this.

 

49 Reaching into his shepherd’s bag and taking out a stone, he hurled it with his sling and hit the Philistine in the forehead. The stone sank in, and Goliath stumbled and fell face down on the ground.

50 So David triumphed over the Philistine with only a sling and a stone, for he had no sword. 51 Then David ran over and pulled Goliath’s sword from its sheath. David used it to kill him and cut off his head. 

(1 Samuel 17)

 

The thing about David was that he was about to face this gigantic person and all he brought along was things that he is accustomed to. He prepared himself with all his abilities. He brought everything that he have and could do on to the altar and let God do the rest. David believed in an omnipotent God but he didn’t have the thoughts like I did. He didn’t doubt whether he would defeat the giant or not. He didn’t care if he was supposed to defeat Goliath or someone stronger. He did what he thought was right. He just wanted to protect God’s people using his abilities which was just his slingshot skill. 

What I am supposed to do right now it not to worry I will manage to kill the Goliath or not. I am just supposed to being all I have to the battlefield and let God do the rest. 

 

I’ll throw the dice with the best roll I have and He determines how it falls. I’ll prepare and do my best in the Assessment Centre and leave the rest to Him.

(Proverbs 16:33)

Ten Thing I Hate About Period

Ashlyn:

1) Feeling as if something is leaking down there.

2) BANJIR!

It feels like there is a flood down there.

3) Bocor.

Constant anxiety.  I have to check my ass every half an hour to see if there is any bloodstain. Guys think I am obsessed with my own ass.

4) Pads without wings.

Who in the world created them without wings? Stupid wingless pad moving like a slug down there. left, left, right, left and left. Oh look, we’ve escaped!

5) The emotional roller coaster ride.

Oii, hormones! Don’t go kray kray on me.

6) Irregular flow.

I swear my vagina has a mind its own. It bleeds whenever it wants to. Preparing for my monthly menses is like preparing for zombie apocalypse with pads as my ammo. And when you least expect it to arrive and especially when you don’t have a pad with you, that’s when period arrive. IT’S ALWAYS LIKE THAT!

7) Think it’s over? Think again.

After about 6 to 7 days of bleeding, I’ll be thinking that it’s finally over. Few days later, my uterus found some more blood to squeeze out and torture me with.

8)The hormonal acne.

Every month, I look prettiest during the seven days of period, the ugliest for 2/3 days leading up to the first day of period and just plain ugly on the rest of the 20 days.

9) When you stain your bed.

Because of you, period, I have to wear the biggest pad and wear double underwear to sleep just to make sure I don’t ‘leak’.

10) The cramps.

Nothing beats the cramps. On good days, I get the ‘oh, it’s just a little cramp’ cramps. On bad days, I get the ‘there is a bulldozer cleaning out my uterus’ cramps. On horrible days, I get the ‘SOMEONE PULL MY UTERUS OUT, PLEASE!!!!!’ cramps and I lie on the floor wishing sleep would come and numb the pain.